A First timer’s guide to Las Vegas
Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. In a country of super-sized proportions, Las Vegas takes the enormous fudge filled cake. Booze, boobs, buildings, shows, food, damns, canyons, heck even their Elvis’s come over-sized. It was an exceptionally excessive weekend and I loved every minute of it
I was in sin city not only to celebrate my birthday but my brother’s birthday and mother’s day as well. Also Erin and Cort met up with us for the festivities. I can proudly say we packed a lot into our short trip. I accomplished everything I wanted to do in my first timer’s guide to Las Vegas which included:
– See Fat Elvis before he dies
– See the fountains at the Bellagio- Drink for free
– Pig out at a buffet
– See the Grande Canyon
– Make some stupid bets
– See a show
– Ride the Roller coaster at the New York, New York
First timer’s guide to Las Vegas – The Not-so Fat Elvis
I got to say I was a little disappointed, not by his singing but by his girth. I was told by a friend that saw Fat Elvis a couple years ago that he was so fat he just sat in his over sized chair eating buckets of honey mustard and resting his micro-phone on his chest. This was not the case as he supposedly dropped 400 pounds. Don’t get me wrong, good on you for the dedication and determination. That is quite an accomplishment but you may just be starving yourself out of a job. Now he is just Big Elvis but Big Elvis is still the fattest Elvis I have ever seen and is definitely worth the free show.
First timer’s guide to Las Vegas –The Bellagio – toilet paper made from Kittens
Was especially cool to see as a lot of scenes from movies like Ocean’s 11 are filmed with it in the background.
First timer’s guide to Las Vegas – See a show…on acid
My mother really wanted to see circus de sole. I said I would compromise and go if it was the Beatles: Love version as it was something I would at least enjoy listening to. The show was as close to an acid trip as I will ever get. It was at some points very odd and very excessive. The stage was ridiculous. Different scenes rise out of it between each song. Certain songs were amazing with various Acrobats and roller blade stunts. Others were down right odd and confusing. The show was on Mom so I think I would have enjoyed it more if I didn’t see the ticket price.
First timer’s guide to Las Vegas – The GRANDE Grande canyon tour
Amazing. Words and pictures just won’t cut it. Not only did we see the Grande Canyon but the Hoover and lake Meed as well and in ridiculous style. My mother, as she puts it, does not do 5 hour bus rides so she opted to upgrade to a helicopter tour that took us past the Hoover damn over lake Meed, and down into the canyon where we landed and had champagne. It was unreal. To top it off on the way back we flew down the strip banking ridiculously close to the New York, New York.
After consuming yard stick margarita nobody felt like riding a roller coaster. Cort and I went on it and then the next day again with Scott, Erin and Ma. The reason it was on my list was to see my moms face. Priceless. I think she had her eyes closed most of the way.
First timer’s guide to Las Vegas – Eat, then eat some more.
My roommate Mike (who really know his food) suggested a buffet that had all you can eat cracked crab legs. We couldn’t find it so we settled for the buffet at the Bellagio. It was (I’m sure you know what’s coming by now) Ridiculous. Not only did they have cracked crab legs but an amazing assortment of any fine food you could think of. I spent a good 20 minutes building a 2 lbs. pile of crab meat. (Later that night at a blackjack table I was literally sweating butter) Once I was done my appetizer I had helpful servings of sushi, swordfish, beef Wellington and Japanese prime rib. It was awesome…cow stomach transplant consideration awesome.
Once done I wobbled out and visited my second favorite venue at the Bellagio, the bathroom. The place smells better that the botanical garden and I swear the toilet paper is made from kittens. I spent at least a half hour there on 3 separate visits.
My gaming experience in Vegas didn’t go so well. The first couple days I would win enough at a time to get coffee for everyone or breakfast. I was up over a hundred and then that was it. The last night there I was making $75 a hand bets on blackjack and was winning some but it eventually caught up. I wasn’t the only one with shit luck. One drunk guy at our blackjack table was doing very well until Cort egged him on to the point where he was trying to bet his credit card. So sad. Erin was up at least 2 hundred before she let it ride. She probably broke even in the end. Cort lost just as much as me but on poker. My brother is by no means a gambler as seen here with his proud earnings:
He was more of a 5 cent a hand kind of guy but by the end we got him on the tables. He did make a $50 bet on roulette at Ceaser’s and blew it in one spin. The same place where Cort was watching craps and asking questions while accidentally ashing on the table. We left promptly after that. Right before we left our hotel we pooled our money and placed it on black. We at least left on a high note.
We drank a lot. In fact some would say a ridiculous amount. It is true that if you are gambling drinks are free but if you are loosen those drinks turn pricey. I paid $100 for an MGD at one casino. In the end though I had a great time and have no regrets. Saturday night we came as close as anyone could come to closing down the strip as it lasted till 8:00 am. It was a night that included Red bull and huge Jager shots, hair metal, Mexican bridal parties, dumb bets, disasters downtown, random conga lines, do-it-yourself pancake sandwiches, drunk dialing, and drunk Scott. Scott is about as much of a drinker as he is a gambler. He did make me proud and was pure entertainment. He was loud and tactless and am impressed he didn’t get thrown out, slapped, beat up or taken home. At one casino he made out with an entire Mexican stagget party. At another he danced like he had literally just shit his pants. He chatted up a large homeless lady in a wheel chair and scored a kiss. I told him that he probably got hepatitis so he promptly called his work to try and explain the situation. He failed to get the story across, hilarity ensued.
My favorite drunk Scott story to share is at breakfast after a very long night of drinking. The staff at the restaurant all had where they were from on there name tags. The lady was from Ethiopia to which Scott said he knew an Olympic runner from there and drew him on his place mat in crayon. She just smiled. Our server was from Guatemala to which my brother said “welcome” in a slow voice. The waiter said thanks in a strong American accent and told him he had been in Vegas for 12 years. Priceless.
I have many good video clips of drunk Scott that I will share soon. Scott, you have been warned.
All in all it was a fantastic weekend with very little sleep. Thanks Mom, Scott Erin and Cort for making it such a great time. I will leave this post with my favorite story about Vegas and more so its people.
Cort and Erin arrived late and hungry on Thursday night. While they where waiting in line at a food court Scott and I went and got beer at a convenience store. Being in the U.S there was little option on beer. We settled on some big ass Heineken even though we had no bottle opener. An already drunk Scott assured me that he could open them. I put my faith in him but wasn’t surprised to see him having difficulty popping the top off on the street curb. Beer was fizzing out everywhere. An officer approached us. I honestly thought of leaving Scott there. She came over and reached for her mic. I thought for sure we were getting a fine or calling for backup. Instead she called her partner for a bottle opener. He didn’t have one but the security guard working the food court did. He went out of his way to open and get us all cups. He even poured. I love it here.
What a ridiculous place indeed. Hope you enjoyed my First timer’s guide to Las Vegas.
For more pics click here: